Pacific Times Magazine
The Indigenous people of the Pacific

Pacific Humor
Jokes about Pacific Islanders by Pacific Islanders

 Juan: Che'lu, what is another word for Nightmare??

Ben: "W I F E"."
"
Submitted 11-March-2008 by: Bill Iglesias, Honolulu, Hawaii

 A Hawaiian man was having his breakfast, the usual...coffee, spam, fried rice and Portuguese sausage, at Jack's Inn in Kahului. A Haole man chewing gum came in and sat next to him and ordered coffee.
The Hawaiian ignored the Haole who nevertheless started a conversation.
HAOLE:  You Hawaiian folks eat the spam?
HAWAIIAN:  Yah.
HAOLE (after blowing a huge bubble):  We don't!  In America, we eat ham and toast for breakfast and then we put all the leftovers in containers and recycle them and transform them into spicy spam and sell them in Hawaii - the HAOLE had a smirk on his face.
The HAWAIIAN remained silent.  The HAOLE persisted:  Do you eat the Portuguese sausage?
HAWAIIAN (now in a bad mood):  Yah.
HAOLE (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling:  We don't!  In America, we eat bacon and port sausage for breakfast and then we put all the kinds, rinds, and fats in containers and recycle them, transform them into Portuguese sausage and sell them in Hawaii.
The HAWAIIAN (no longer in a bad mood) asked:  Do you have sex in America?
HAOLE (with a big smirk):  Why, of course we do.
HAWAIIAN:  And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?
HAOLE:  We throw them away, of course.
HAWAIIAN:  We don't!  You see, in Hawaii, we put them in a container, recycle them and melt them into chewing gum and sell them in America.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
"
"
Submitted 22-February-2008 by: Sean Winkler, Wailuku, Maui

 A Chamori man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only Chamori man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The Chamori man turned around and stood up.
He then said: "Listen here broddah - when I was born, I was BROWN,"
When I grew up, I was BROWN,
When I'm sick, I'm BROWN,
When I'm cold, I'm BROWN,
When I die, I'll be BROWN."
But you broddah are something different...
"When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow up, you're WHITE,
When you're sick, you're GREEN,
When you go in the sun, you turn RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
And when you die, you turn PURPLE."

AND YOU HAVE THE FRIGGIN NERVE TO CALL ME COLORED?"
"I'M PROUD TO BE CHAMORI!!!!!""
"
Submitted 21-February-2008 by: Chilang Delgado, Sinajana, Guahan

 Returning home from work, a Portugee woman was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the Portugee woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
"
Submitted 04-February-2008 by: Denise Cordeiro, Kahului, Maui

 Two Chamori women are walking down the street. One notices A compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second says, "Here, let me see!" So the first Chod hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!""
"
Submitted 04-February-2008 by: Denise Cordeiro, Kahului, Maui

 A Portugee woman suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the Portugee woman is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The Portugee woman replies, "Shut up, you're next!""
"
Submitted 04-February-2008 by: Denise Cordeiro, Kahului, Maui

 Choddie Chod Naputi had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the Guam Police Officer arrived. "My God!" the Officer gasped. Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. "Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" Choddie chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" she began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.""
"
Submitted 01-February-2008 by: James Nantin, Kahului, Maui

  "The Three Local Dudes were at the Micronesian Mall doing some last minute Christmas shopping. Lolo the Chamorro said, "Ai ga'chong. Tomorrow is my wife's birthday and I don't know what to get for her." Mori the Chamori responded, "Ombre Che'lu, buy her some earings. Women love earings." Lolo the Chamorro agreed. Toru the Chamoru volunteered, "Fahani si Male' roses. One dozen roses to signify being married to her for 12 long years. She would love that." Lolo the Chamorro replied, "Magahet hao ga'chong" So they stopped in at the nearest flower shop. Lolo the Chamorro approached the clerk at the desk and ordered 11 each long stem roses. Then he told her to add a single rose from the immitation ones on table. "This will make it 12 and I will include a nice little card." He added. That night, he came home and presented his gift to his wife. She was teary eyed and sentimental until she read the card. It said.....Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Mangge' Si Madonna, Lao Mangge' hao Che'lu. Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, My love is forever, Maskeseha yo' una' Biudu."
"
Submitted 14-November-2007 by: Julia Salas, Tamuning, Guahan

  "I remember 30 years ago when I first came to Guam as a young Airman. The first six months, I spent entirely on-base because I was told that the locals were crazy. I went from the barracks to the mess hall to the barracks to my duty office and back to the barracks. And then one Saturday night I met my wife at the EM Club. Man! Come Monday morning....I went straight to the Credit Union and bought myself a new car. One year later, I re-enlisted and begged the Air Force to Let Me Stay. Why? Cause I now owned a piece of the Rock.
"
Submitted 12-November-2007 by: Allen Kapa'a, Kalihi, Hawaii

  "Raymond wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute,
really hot girl in his office.....but she was dating someone else.
One day, Raymond got so frustrated that he went up to her and
said, "I'll give you $100.00 if you would let me have sex with you!"
The girl looked at him and said, "No!"
Raymond replied, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down, and...I'll be finish by the time you pick it up."
She thought a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend. She called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend responded, "Ask him for $200.00 and pick up the money
really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
30-minutes goes by and the boyfriend anxiously waited for her call.
Finaly after an hour's time, the boyfriend calls and ask, "What happened?"
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
"The frikkin bastard had all quarters!"
"
Submitted 22-August-2007 by: Kaipo Kruz, Kaneohe, Hawaii

  "This Haolie gentleman walked into a Samoan Liquor store to buy a pack of cigarettes and a beer. While at the counter, he noticed a box of bubble gum with large "PK" stamped on each one. Politely he asked the clerk why the gums had a huge "PK" stamped on them. The clerk shook his head and replied, "Dumb Houlie, PK stands for "Pubble Kum""
Submitted 01-May-2007 by: Eric Orinion, Kailua, Hawaii

  "There were four men. There was a Chamori, a Japanese, an American, and a Chinese man. They were all in a hot tub when the American guy started ringing. He pressed his arm and said "hello?". His conversation ended, and he was bragging that he had the highest technology. Then the Japanese man was checking his email on his calculator. "Oh..yes..we are better than American technology..." The Chinese man said,"Oh yeah? In my country, we listen to music from a microchip in our head. I'm better than all of you." The Chamori guy was very embarrassed. So he went to the stall near the hot tub to take a crap. When he got out he had toilet tissue sticking out of his ass. All the men said," Hey! What the hell is that?" The Chamori guy said," Oh shoot! I'm receiving a FAX!!!"
Submitted 11-April-2007 by: Tori, Susupe, Saipan

  "Francisco: Hey Che'lu. The Ms. Black America Pageant has been changed to a new format.
Juan: Really? How so?
Francisco: They went from 50-states to 49.
Juan: Why is that?
Francisco: Cause no one wanted to wear the "I DA HO" shash."
Submitted 07-April-2007 by: Phillip Cruz, Barrigada, Guam

  "Jake: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
Lionel: I don't know.
Jake: A Dick Tator.
"
Submitted 31-March-2007 by: Gary Nelson, Denver, Colorado

  "Antonio: What do they call a Black Astronaut in the Philippines?
Karlo: I don't know.
Antonio: Colored Moon Guy.
"
Submitted 31-March-2007 by: Eric Orinion, Kailua, Hawaii

  "Jennie: Why do Portegees mark the sole of their shoes with "TGIF"?
Konnie: I haven't the faintest idea. Why?
Jennie: To remind them that "Toes Go In First".
"
Submitted 31-March-2007 by: Eric Orinion, Kailua, Hawaii

  "At the Hawaiian Emersion School in Waiakamilo, the teacher Mrs Kamaka wanted to know how well the students were learning their English. Using the chalk, she wrote the word "speaker" on the blackboard and said, "The word of the day is Speaker. Can anyone use Speaker in a sentence?" A few students raised their hands but Mrs Kamaka wanted to hear from some of the silent students. She pointed to a shy Samoan boy and said, "Fitu. Can you use Speaker in a sentence?" The boy was caught off-guard but went ahead and volunteered. "I don't know Mrs. Kamaka but I will try." He stood up and looked around. Finally after a few minutes of silence, he quibbed. "When I wake up in the morning, I go to da bathroom. I look in da mirror while I flex my muscle. I see dat my right muscle is speaker dan my left muscle."
"
Submitted 25-March-2007 by: Jonas Camacho, Laie, Hawaii

  "If a Hawaiian Fairy is called a MAHOO and a Samoan sissy is called a FAFAINGE', what the heck do you call a Tongan Fagot???"
"
Submitted 25-March-2007 by: Jonas Camacho, Laie, Hawaii

  "Jesus and his Grandfather were sitting around the house one night.
Jesus was intriqued with his Grandfather's tales about life in
Saipan many, many years ago. He asked the old man, "Tata,
what's the difference between a cunt and a pussy?"
The old man replied, "You wanna know the difference
between a cunt and a pussy, huh? Well let me show you,
follow me." They went inside the bedroom where the old woman
was sleeping. The old man pickup her skirt and pointed,
"That there thing is a pussy." he said. Jesus was so
stoked he hollered out with a cheer. The old man stopped him
angrily saying, "Shush boy, you gonna wake up the cunt."
"
Submitted 21-March-2007 by: Roque Sablan, Sinahana, Guahan

  "A man walks into a bar in Honolulu and ordered a drink. He noticed a beautiful young woman sitting alone just a few seats away. He called the bartender over and ordered the most expensive bottle of wine for the lady. He hastily scribbled a note on a napkin and asked the bartender to deliver it along with the wine. The lady waved at the man as she read the note. She took out a pen and scribbled a lengthy message of her own. The note came back and the man read it silently. It read, "I do not accept gifts from men unless they meet the following conditions. 1. Must have a million dollars in the bank. 2. Must own a house. 3. Must have a 7-inch cock. The man got another napkin and scribbled out his new message. I thank you for your concerns, my dear. First of all, I do not have a million dollars in the bank, I have 20-million. Secondly, I do not own a house, I own several mansions around the world. And finally, I do not have a 7-incher, I have a 13-inch dick. Which brings me to my point that I don't share my expensive bottle of wine with anyone having such meager expectations. "
Submitted 20-March-2007 by: Roque Sablan, Sinahana, Guahan

  "What do you call a Samoan who fell off a couch?
I don't know. What?
Falloffasofa."
Submitted 10-March-2007 by: Kofi Samuel, Pago Pago, Samoa

  " The biggest joke on Guam is how 99.9 percent of the locals hate Pinoys; Yet they all look Pinoy; they speak a language similar to Pinoy; they sing and dance Pinoy; and they eat Pinoy food such as: Pancit, Lumpia, Estufao, Escabeche and Kelaguin. Sound familiar??? Ilocanos hate Cebuanos; Pangasinans hate Cavitanos, etc... Hating each other is One Pinoy Tradition!"
Submitted 16-December-2006 by: Eddie "Boy" Ramos, Metro Manila, R.P.

  " The Advantages of Being a Woman.
Women... Aren't forced to compensate for their fathers' lack of childhood sports skills every Saturday morning throughout their formative years.Can sit and read every time they go to the bathroom. Can spend time alone with Catholic priests, Boy Scout leaders, and Baptist Youth ministers without feeling sexually threatened. Don't worry about going bald. Never have to rearrange their testicles while wearing tight pants. Never get their sex organs caught in their zippers while drunk. Don't have to constantly answer "What are you gonna be when you grow up?" shortly after their third birthday.Don't have to run a super-sharp piece of metal over their facial epidermal layer each and every morning of their adult lives. Can bludgeon someone to death with a baseball bat and then get off scot-free by claiming a "hormonal imbalance”. Can commit cold-blooded murder and not only get off scot-free, but end up with a book deal and an appearance on Oprah merely by mentioning "years of violent spousal abuse". Don't have to go in a pubic women's restroom and worry about some previous occupant pissing and shitting on the seat, the floor, and the surrounding walls. ALWAYS outlive their husbands. Never worry who will get the kids in a divorce. Can always pull a sympathy trip on society to get what they want. Have a wide variety of commercial, sweet smelling deodorants for their sex organ. In a moment of anger, can call someone a "cunt" without being exiled and excommunicated from the community of humankind. Know exactly what to do when a child is sick....don't have a freaky, semi-oedipal relationship with their overbearing mother,.don't ever have to spit..don't ever have to hold one nostril shut while blowing a huge loogie out the other..have an astute, innate sense of when to change underwear before it becomes a Petri Dish for bacteria development.never pull a back muscle screaming at the television during a sports event. .don't have to worry about which family member will inherit and care for their collection of baseball caps..never lose six hours on a Saturday morning watching fishing shows on OLN...can terminate a bladder emptying event without waiting for 'the shake' ...can tell their doctors anything ...Can simulate a perfect, entire sex act with nothing more than ten idle minutes and a zucchini. Oh, and the best one of all:...MULTIPLE ORGASMS "
Submitted 08-December-2006 by: Jadelyn Saimone, Papiete, Tahiti

  "A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired
a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch and report
any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received
this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

Fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE
"
Submitted 29-November-2006 by: Fua Ryan, New Zealand

  "Mr. Norbert Perez of Panama gave a talk to the senior class
at Kamehameha School about his exploits in the islands. He said,
"Four years ago, I was a Mayoral candidate for the county
of Honolulu and I honestly enjoyed politcs here in the islands.
There were six candidates then including Mufi Hannemann, Duke Bainum,
Mazie Hirono and others. I remember one town meeting I attended
in Waianae. After the speeches, the candidates were allowed to mingle
and meet the voters. I came to this group of gorgeous young women
and I introduced myself. I asked them what was
the most pressing problem affecting the Leeward coast?
I thought they wanted the pig farms and chicken farms removed, I thought
they wanted the Makua training facility closed, I thought they wanted
the Landfill relocated.....BUT to my surprise...all they wanted
was a Zippy's Restaurant""
Submitted 02-November-2006 by: Tony Kapua, Nanakuli, Hawaii

  "Auntie Rosa from Waipahu was visiting Las Vegas with a girlfriend where she won a Million dollars in the slot machine. When she arrived back home, she scurried home to tell her husband Prudencio the good news. "Guess what honey. God shined a light on me and I won a Million dollars. Pack your bags!" Prudencio was jumping up and down with joy. "Are we going to the PI?" He questioned. "No, No, No. Just pack those bags." Rosa scoulded. "Okay! But are we going on vacation? Are we going to America? Are we going to the Big Island?" He mused. "No. No. No. Just pack those bags as quickly as you can." Rosa called back to him. "Okay! Okay! Are we going to Rome to visit the Pope?" Prudencio questioned. "No! Just pack your bags and get the hell-outta-here." Rosa commanded."
Submitted 11-October-2006 by: Clint Meyers, Waipahu, Hawaii

  "Three pretty girls, senior classmates at Kailua High were talking about the dance.
Lani the Hawaiian girl said, "My Hawaiian ancestors invented the hula."
Kimi the Tahitian girl retorted, "Oh yeah? My ancestors invented the Stick dance."
At this the sweet Chamori girl blurted out, "Oh yeah? Well my Chamori
ancestors invented the Cha Cha. At the time Magellan came to Guam in 1521, the
natives wanted to spook him and his men with some chants and incantations so
they created...."One, Two, Cha, Cha, Cha! One, Two, Cha, Cha, Cha.""
Submitted 24-September-2006 by: Benny Reyes, Aiea, Hawaii

  "A huge redneck walks in to Bob's Whispering Palms in Hagatna
and sat at the end of the bar. A large contingency
of locals, loud and drunk were at the corner playing pool.
The redneck ordered himself a double shot of tequila which
he downed in a second. He shouted out, "Ooooooey! That was
mighty fine!" Next he ordered a double shot of Jim Bean
which he downed before the bartender turned away. He grimaced
and shouted, "Oooooey! That was sooooo very fine!" The
Filipino bartender asked if he needed another and he said, "Yeah!
Give me a double shot of Wild Turkey but before you do I'd like
to tell you a funny Chamori joke." The bartender
looked around and whispered, "Is is very funny?" The redneck said,
"Hell yeah! But very, vary nasty!" The bartender leaned over again
and whispered, "I should remind you that those dudes over there
are locals, the big fellow at the other end of the bar
is Chamori and the four waitresses we have are islanders,
too. I'd be very careful what I'd say in here." The redneck looked at
him and said, "Hell Partner! Never mind then. I don't want to explain it
that many times.""
Submitted 23-September-2006 by: Benny Reyes, Aiea, Hawaii

  "Mr. Norbert Perez was a guest last week at our Computer class
at Hawaii Pacific University. His very first statement, he asked,
"With a show of hands, how many of you here are Filipinos?"
Not a single hand was raised. "Come on!" he uttered. "We have no
pinoys in the house?" The class went blank but still no hand went up.
"This is serious! Something is wrong here!" He childed. I thought Filipinos
were a major landscape of the islands. When I arrived at the Honolulu
International Airport yesterday, I thought I was in
Manila...soooooo many Pinoys, I nearly FLIPPED."
Submitted 10-September-2006 by: Dewey Charles, Honolulu, Hawaii

  "Choddie "Chod" Naputi was telling a girlfriend,
"I think I'll dye my hair blond cause blonds have more fun".
Her friend replied, "You don't have to do that, honey.
You are already a "CHOD"."
Submitted 05-September-2006 by: Remy Topasna, Fremont, California

  "At a gathering in Chula Vista last month, the special guest from Panama
(Norbert Perez) was heard saying, "You know you're old when you stop in at a
Filipino restaurant and the waitress calls you TATA""
Submitted 07-August-2006 by: Johnny Lam, San Diego, California

  "Question: What do you call a Pinoy who doesn't believe in birth control???
Answer: Daddy"
Submitted 04-August-2006 by: Sammy Santa Ana, Metro Manila

  "You might be from Guam, if your mom, your dad, your brothers,
your sisters, your aunties, uncles and cousins are either retired from or
currently employed by the government."
Submitted 01-August-2006 by: Tony Ramirez, Yona, Guahan

  "JOHN: What do you call a beautiful Samoan girl?
EDDIE: I don't know. What?
JOHN: Very...Very...Very LUCKY."
Submitted 19-July-2006 by: John Kamaka, Kahului, Maui

  "There was this Samoan Broddah who got a ticket for parking his truck in a 'compact stall'. The officer explained to him that trucks do not belong in the 'compact stall'. Da Broddah protested and bellowed, "But Officer, I just parked my truck and den I compact." "
Submitted 14-July-2006 by: Reno James, Pago Pago, American Samoa

  "Tan Antonia and Tan Felicita were comparing notes about their husbands and marriages. Tan Antonia said, "I have been married five times but I have yet to find Mr. Right. My last husband said I was a lousy lover and the worst housekeeper." Tan Felicita remarked, "Ai adai. I have been married four times and I can assure you that I am a great housekeeper. Each time I divorce a man, I keep da house." "
Submitted 13-July-2006 by: Julia Torres, Hagat, Guahan

  "A gorgeous young blond from Canada was visiting Hawaii and staying with friends in Kailua. She rented a car from Enterprise and was having an awesome time. One evening, she decided to rent some movies at BlockBuster, just around the corner of Old Kailua Road. Upon leaving the movie rental house, she realized that she accidentally locked herself out. Frantic as hell, she called the local Triple A for assistance. The gentleman was understanding and sympathetic. "It's okay Miss, locking yourself out happens to the best of us." he told her. The blond replied, "You don't understand, not only did I lock myself out but the car is still running." The man laughed and said in a low tone, "You must be a blond, huh?" And the girl responded, "How did you guess? Was it my voice?""
Submitted 06-July-2006 by: Juri Simpson, Kailua, Hawaii USA

  "Question? What do you call a gay Chamorro?
Answer: Haf a Dude."
Submitted 03-July-2006 by: Reckless, 21469 Pueblo San Benito, California

  " Sign at the Ada Funeral Home in Sinajana:
"Layaway Plans Available""
Submitted 27-June-2006 by: Geena Taitano, Menlo Park, California

  "Question: What do you call a Chamori Blond?
Answer: "CHOD""
Submitted 27-June-2006 by: Geena Taitano, Menlo Park, California

  "Tan Lucia was on trial for murder. Judge Lamorena was the Preciding Judge at the Superior Court of Guahan. Tan Lucia was sworn in as she took the stand. "Judge Lamorena, I am 70 years old. So here I am, sitting there on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor. Why, Your Honor, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!" That's when he yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the Frikkin Chamori Bastard!! "
Submitted 24-June-2006 by: Edmund Salas, Fairfield, California

  " Today was Lino's 65th birthday so we find him at the local Social Security Office in Hagatna applying for retirement benefits. The girl at the counter asked him for a passport or driver's license to verify his age. Lino realized he had no ID with him and said so. "Ai lokkue'. I forgot my ID at home. Must I go to Malesso' and come back again?" he asked. The girl felt sorry for him so she told him to remove his shirt. She examined his silvery chest hairs and said, "Okay". She then quickly processed his application. When Lino got home, he beamed and explained his exploits to his wife Maria. Maria quickly retorted, "Ai kaduku! You should have dropped your pants. She would have processed you for disability...as well." "
Submitted 24-June-2006 by: Edmund Salas, Fairfield, California

  "QUESTION: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
ANSWER: A prostitute stops screwing you when you're dead."
Submitted 20-June-2006 by: Jake Spinner, Auckland, New Zealand

  "You know you're getting old, when you start having dry dreams and wet farts."
Submitted 20-June-2006 by: Jake Spinner, Auckland, New Zealand

  "There are 38 million people in Kentucky but their Statewide phone book has only 28 last names."
Submitted 20-June-2006 by: Jake Spinner, Auckland, New Zealand

  "QUESTION: What's the difference between a 40-year old man and a 40-year old woman?
ANSWER: A 40-year old woman dreams of having children while a 40-year old man dreams of dating them."
Submitted 20-June-2006 by: Jake Spinner, Auckland, New Zealand

  "What does E B T stand for?
I don't know. What?
Every Body's Taxes."
Submitted 14-June-2006 by: Frank Meno, San Diego, California

  "The cult followers of Norbert Perez claim he is the greatest Chamori that ever lived.
I say....He is the ONLY CHAMORI that ever lived."
Submitted 11-May-2006 by: Frank Meno, San Diego, California

  "Darla: So your name is Vince, huh?
Vince: Yeah! Filipinos call me Vicente but people call me Vince.
Darla: Are you implying that Filipinos are NOT people?"
Submitted 05-May-2006 by: Ed Rios, San Mateo, California

  "You know you're from Chuuk
If you go to the bank Everyday to withdraw $5.00 for Lunch."
Submitted 02-April-2006 by: Jimmy Nomo, Moen, Chuuk, FSM

  "The Chinese word for man is 'tao' and the Chamoru word for man
is 'taotao'. Does this mean that it takes Two Chamori TAOs to equal One Chinese man?"
Submitted 30-March-2006 by: Alex Mansapit, Malesso, Guahan

  "You know you're Filipino
If you have a rosary hanging from your rear-view mirror."
Submitted 22-March-2006 by: Abraham Corpuz, San Juan, Metro Manila

  "What do you call a Filipino Fairy???
Answer: Bakkla!"
Submitted 18-March-2006 by: Abraham Corpuz, San Juan, Metro Manila

  "Marriage is NOT a word.
It's a sentence...a Life Sentence."
Submitted 03-March-2006 by: Dan Quaresma, Kailua, Hawaii USA

  "Marriage is a Three Ring Circus.
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring and SuffeRing."
Submitted 03-March-2006 by: Dan Quaresma, Kailua, Hawaii USA

  "After Typhoon Pongsona hit Guam in 2004 the whole island
was a wreck. FEMA was spending billions of dollars for recovery
purposes. An old man from Pohnpei (in his 70s) living in Harmon
was among the thousands lining to receieve free emergency food Stamp.
Poor old man was at the very end of the line. 9:00pm that
night he finally made it to the top of the line. The Fema clerk
counted to him a large stash of food stamp money. The old man
caught the Guam Transit and got dropped off at the Maite Massage Parlor.
He went inside and asked Mama san to call out the girls.
Mama san called them girls out and had them line up before the old man.
He picked the most beautiful one and was just about to go inside
the private room when the Mama san held him off. "Sir, you need to
pay me first before you can walk off with my girl."

Old man: "Sure sure, sorry.... how much?"

Mama San: "$50.00 for half hour, $100.00 for an hour."

Old man: "I need 10 hrs...not a problem.. I have plenty money..."

He took out a large stack of food stamp money and counted
$1,000.00 down. "want any tip??" The old man said to Mama san.

Mama san: "Sir, do you realize that this is food stamp money???"

Old Man: "It is money, Mama San, right??"

Mama san: "Yup it is money. But this kind of money you only use to
buy food. You only use food stamp to buy something to eat."

Old man: "Of course Mama san. That's why I'm here. I only wanna eat,
that's it. Nothing else... no action..only eating.. get it????"

Moral of the Story: If your from Pohnpei, you're a sex maniac..."
Submitted 03-March-2006 by:  Marv, Hawaii USA

  "What did the Chinese couple named their mentally disabled Son?
Som Ting Wong"
Submitted 25-February-2006 by:  Taylor Stibbard, Kaneohe, Hawaii USA

  "The worst thing about being Chinese is that
people think your squinting even when you're not."
Submitted 24-February-2006 by:  Mike Lee, Makawao, Maui

  "How long did it take the Chamori to cross the road?
"Hafadai" (Half a Day)"
Submitted 21-February-2006 by: Franky, California

  "Nikki Unpingco was seen arguing with a store clerk at the
K-Mart store in Guam. She wanted to return the
Toaster because it wasn't working. The store clerk told
her that she couldn't get a refund because she bought the toaster
during an "as is" Special Sale. Nikki was furious and started screaming
at the top of her lungs, "Someone please pinch my nipples. Please
pinch my nipples." This commotion brought a crowd
of spectators. The clerk ran off to call the store manager.
The manager calmed her down and again wanted to know the details.
Nikki told him that she bought this toaster which never worked
and she wanted her money back. The manager stated that
because she purchased the item during the "as is"
Special Sale, she wasn't eligible for a refund. At hearing this,
Nikki again went off, "Someone pinch my nipples!
Please pinch my nipples! You sir, come pinch my nipples!"
The commotion brought in more and more people. The manager
wanting to calm the woman and control the situation used his megaphone
to quell the crowd. He shouted loudly, "Alright! Alright
Ms Unpingco! I will give you a Refund! The crowd
gave her a huge applause. When Nikki was signing the papers for
her refund, the manager asked her why she wanted someone to pinch
her nipples? Nikki replied, "Oh! I truly enjoyed
having my nipples pinched while I'm being SCREWED."
Submitted 12-February-2006 by:  James Manalisay, Hagåtña, Guahan

  "You know you're getting old,
when your BROAD MIND and SLIM WAIST begin switching places."
Submitted 04-February-2006 by:  Kaulana Puu, Waimanalo, Hawaii

  "A short, skinny white dude from Pennsylvania USA
arrived in Auckland, checked into a posh hotel
and was making his way to his suite. He stepped into
an elevator where he found a huge Maori waiting anxiously.
The Native looked at him and said, "Hello! I'm 7-feet tall;
I weigh 345-lbs; my dick is HUGE; 20-inches to be exact
and my name is Turner Brown." The white boy immediately
went pale and flat out fainted. The Maori man picked him up,
slaps him alittle to revive him and once again cooed,
"Hello! I'm 7-feet tall, I weigh 345-lbs, my dick is HUGE; 20-inches
to be exact and my name is Turner Brown. Now please tell me why you
fainted?" The white man breathed a sigh of relief and echoed,
"You scared the shit outta me! I thought you said "TURN AROUND.""
Submitted 03-February-2006 by:  Jim Karver, Auckland, New Zealand

  "Lolo The Chamorro was applying for a Civil Service Job.
When it came to the question of foreign languages,
he indicated that he was fluent in two other languages besides
Chamoru. He read, wrote and spoke HTML and BINARY Languages."
Submitted 01-February-2006 by:  Mike Castro, Baltimore, Maryland

  "You know you're Pinoy if you call everyone "Boss"."
Submitted 01-February-2006 by:  Mike Castro, Baltimore, Maryland

  "You know you're from Guam if you can ChaCha to the Stars Spangle Banner."
Submitted 01-February-2006 by:  Mike Castro, Baltimore, Maryland

  "You know you're from Guam, if you give a head gesture
to everyone you make eye contact with."
Submitted 01-February-2006 by:  Mike Castro, Baltimore, Maryland

  "A blind Chamori man came to the Village in
Hagåtña for lunch. He stopped at the first booth
and told the shop owner, "My name is Mori and
I am Chamori. I am blind so I cannot read your special
food menu. Please dip a spoon in your special sauce
and let me taste it." The shop owner went back to the
kitchen and dipped a spoon into the special dish pot.
Came back and allowed the man to taste it. The blind
man proudly thanked him and said, "Yum! Yum! Yum!
That's good. I love Chop Steak so I will order one."
The owner politely complied. A week went by and the same blind
Chamori returned. Again he stated, "Håfa Adai!
I am Mori the Chamori and I want to order your special.
But first I must taste the food." Once more,
the owner went to the kitchen and dipped a spoon into the
special dish pot. He came back and offered it to the man.
Mori the Chamori said, "Ai na minannge'! I will order
one Tinaktak." The owner was intriqued but complied.
The following week, the blind man returned. Again he told of his
condition and again asked to taste the food special. The owner
was amazed at how he identified his special cooking so
he wanted to test the man. He went back to the kitchen
where he told his wife Maria to rub the spoon between
her legs. He came back with the spoon and gave it to the man.
Mori the Chamori took the spoon and licked it, not once but
several times. Then he proudly proclaimed, "Paire! Månnge'
Magåhet! Paire! Uuuummm! So Maria works here, huh?"
Submitted 28-January-2006 by:  Carlos Salas, Las Vegas, Nevada

  "Guam Route #4 should be called
THE NORBERT PEREZ FREEWAY.
Why?
To dedicate his blocking the road in protest.
Remember he wanted to charge everyone a Toll Fee.
Okay?
Well...because he was arrested so many times,
the road remains a FREE way."
Submitted 26-January-2006 by:  Kathi Tudela, Dededo, Guam USA

  "What do you call a Mexican with one knee and one toe?
Answer: Juanito (One Knee Toe)"
Submitted 25-January-2006 by:  Taylor Stibbard, Kaneohe, Hawaii

  "You know you're Big Island Hawaiian
If you believe that Pakalolo is a typical house plant."
Submitted 20-January-2006 by:  Sherri Camacho, Kailua-Kona, Hawaii

  " At the Filipino Seniors Center in Waipahu, the special guest
was a Hypnotist. He got up on the stage and addressed the crowd of excited
seniors. He started off, "Thank you very much for inviting me. It is a
privilege and an honor. In all my shows, I usually take one or
two people from the audience and I put them under an hypnotic
state. This time I am gonna do it differently. This time I am
gonna hypnotize each and everyone of you." The man proceeded by
taking out his shiny silver watch which he began to swing
back and forth. As he worked the watch, he mumbled,
"You are getting drowsy! You are getting sleepy!" From the faces
in the audience, they followed his swings religiously. Just them,
he felt a strong shock up his arm and he dropped the watch.
It broke-up into a million pieces. The man cried out,
"Oh Shit!" It took three weeks to clean up da mess."
Submitted 16-January-2006 by:  Mark Lanier, San Diego, California USA

  " Late one night at an exclusive nightclub in Honolulu, we find
three men sitting at the bar. The place was kind of empty so the
atmosphere was somewhat gloomy. A talking parrot belonging
to the owner walked up the length of the bar to the first
man and said, "Hi! My name is Hugo. What is your IQ?" The gentleman
dressed in his finest suit replied, "179" At this the parrot replied,
"And what sort of work do you do?" The man proudly stated,
"I'm a Brain Specialist." The parrot walked away and came by
the 2nd man. Again the parrot asked him what his IQ was and
the man said it was 156. Again the parrot asked what line of
work he did and the man said he was a Stock Broker/Financial
Consultant. The parrot came down to the 3rd fellow who was humming
a tune. Again the parrot asked him his IQ and the man
said it was 78. At this the parrot retorted, "Ah-ah, and how
many used cars did you sell today?"
Submitted 14-January-2006 by:  Francine Mills, Menlo Park, California

  " Choddie "Chod" Naputi was so excited because today her doctor
removed her bandages. She was a new woman and couldn't wait to go out
into the world and showoff her new appearance.
She stopped at the Payless Supermarket to buy a newspaper and a coke.
She asked the young cashier, "How old do you think I am?" The
cashier responded, "Honestly Miss, you must be in your early thirties."
At this Choddie echoed with spunk, "Thank you! Thank you!
I am really Fifty-Five years old." Next, Choddie stopped
in at McDonald's. And again, she asked the cashier, "How old do you
think I am?" The young man behind the counter said, "Ma'am you look
great and you must be around 28-29nish." Looking more radiant
Choddie replied, "Mercy Me! Thanks! I am truly Fifty-Five years old."
She headed out the door and stopped in at the Century Plaza.
She walked around the Mall and ended up at Starbucks. An old
gentleman was sitting at the far corner sipping on his Latte. She asked
the man, "Sir? How old do you think I am?" The man looked
at her and told her that the only way he could tell her age was
for him feel her boobies. Choddie thought about it and said,
"What the hell!" She came up close to the man and he began fondling
and feeling her knockers. After about five minutes,
he cried out, "You are Fifty-Five years old." Choddie was taken back
at how he guessed her correct age so she quibbed, "How did you know?"
The man looked at her and replied, "I was standing behind you at McDonald's."
Submitted 10-January-2006 by:  Mark Lanier, San Diego, California USA

  " The 3 Local Dudes were at the Smithsonian Institute
in Washington D.C. signing autographs after
their cultural presentation. A little boy looking
a bit startled asked his Mother why the 3 men were wearing
daipers? The mom hushed him up by saying,
"My dear, those men are the famous dudes from the island
of Guahan and they are wearing their traditional thongs."
After a while, the boy hugged his mother tightly and cooed,
"Thanks mom for teaching me how to use the potty.
I don't wanna grow up wearing daipers like them."
Submitted 04-January-2006 by:  Mike Castro, Baltimore, Maryland

  " At the World Convention for Women's Health, the moderator
asked, "With a show of hands, how many of you know
what P.M.S. is?" Everyone in the room raised their hands.
The moderator continued, "And with a show of hands, how many of you
have experienced P.M.S.? At this, all the women present raised their hands.
A tall Filipino man at the back of the room had his hand up so
the moderator asked him, "Correct me if I'm wrong
sir but you have actually experienced P.M.S.?" The Filipino replied,
"Yep! Oh-Oh. Siguro." The moderator asked, "Can you explain
it for us, sir?" The man looked around and responded,
"P.M.S. is Pool Moon Syndrome. Dat's when the moon is pool and
my Manang she acts like a bitch...so she PMSes me."
Submitted 03-January-2006 by:  Rey DeCampo, Morris Plains, New Jersey

  " At a recent wedding at St Ann's Catholic Church in Kaneohe,
a little girl asked her mom why the bride was wearing all white?
The mother bend over and said, "White is the
sign of purity and happiness and this is the happiest
day of her life." At that, the girl remarked, "So why is the groom
wearing all Black?""
Submitted 03-January-2006 by:  Susie Tomita, Kaneohe, Hawaii USA

  " The 3 Local Dudes were at the St. Jude's Church in Sinahaña
for the Midnight Vigil and Christmas Mass. They each wore their
formal attire of Sådi' or Thong. Father David Quitugua,
the Pastor of the Village met them at the door and questioned,
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Where are you three going?" Toru the Chamoru
responded, "Hi Pale'? We are dressed up for the Midnight Mass."
Lolo the Chamorro qued in, "Magahet Pale', We're here
early to attend church." Father Quitugua looked at them and said,
"Ai ga'chong, You can't possibly believe that I would let
you into the House of God dressed in your native thongs?" Mori the
Chamori replied, "Why not father?" And the pastor said,
"Ai Ga'chong! You would become a major distraction to our worshipers.
How can you expect them to pray with the three of you there,
dressed almost entirely naked?" Mori the Chamori bellowed in,
"Ai Pale'! Chamori hao, lokkue'! If your parishioners are offended
by the way we look, then they are here for all the
wrong reasons. And if they continue to be distracted by our attire,
then you should consider lining them up for confession becuase
they harbor impure thoughts."
Submitted 03-January-2006 by:  Pete Mafnas, San Francisco, California

  " The 3 Local Dudes were visiting San Francisco, the city by the Bay.
They were getting kinda hungry so they decided to find a restaurant.
Lolo the Chamorro pointed to an establishment and said,
"Let's eat Chinese at the 'Kong Hwa Restaurant'?"
Toru the Chamoru countered, "No, let's eat Korean food at the Chung
Bar-B-Q House'?" Mori the Chamori declared, "I'd prefer Mexican
food but I'm afraid of this neighborhood." Lolo the Chamorro asked,
"Hafa Chelu?" Toru the Chamoru added, "Yeah? Why don't you like this place?"
Mori the Chamori quibbed, "I feel very uncomfortable cause every
restaurant we've located has a Pet Shop next to it.""
Submitted 03-January-2006 by:  Pete Mafnas, San Francisco, California

  " This Hawaiian and this Portugee were discussing Hawaiian Sovereignty and Kau Inoa.
The Portugee man declared, "Eh Braddah, I'm pure Hawaiian and pure Portugee."
The Hawaiian fellow countered, "Lolo, you can't be pure Hawaiian and pure Portugee."
But his friend insisted, "Yes I am. My modda told me so.
She said I'm 100% Hawaiian cause I'm 100% Portugee."
Submitted 02-January-2006 by:  Edwin Soon, Honolulu, Hawaii USA

  " How can you distinguish between a Tongan and a Samoan?
Answer: One is a resident at BYUH and the other is a resident at O tripple C."
Submitted 31-December-2005 by:  Edwin Soon, Honolulu, Hawaii USA

  " There were these three men arguing about the Hula Dance.
One was Hawaiian. One was Samoan. And one was Portugee.
The first man proclaimed, "My name is Kimo and I'm Hawaiian.
We dance the Hula for Love, for War and everything else."
The second man stood up and declared, "My name is Lamoa
and I come from Samoa. We dance the Hula for the soul
and for the spirit. The third man jumped up and boasted,
"My name is Augie and I am Portugee. We dance the Hula too,
Braddah. You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out.
You put your left foot in and shake it all about.""
Submitted 31-December-2005 by:  Samson Paulus, Laie, Hawaii USA

  " According to the folks at the Honolulu Police Department,
the Town of Kailua should now be referred to as: "CRYlua"
Why? Cause they cry about anything and everything."
Submitted 30-December-2005 by:  Marco Jiffa, Kailua, Hawaii USA

  " You know you're Chamori if you go to a party and ask the host for tin foil."
Submitted 29-December-2005 by:  Jr Acfalle, National City, California

  " What is the Chamori Party Favor?
Answer: "Balutan"."
Submitted 29-December-2005 by:  Jo Manzon, National City, California

  " How many Chamoris does it take to screw a light bulb?
Answer: Three (3)
One to to screw the bulb in, One to Direct,
and One to Bar-B-Q so they can celebrate the completion of the Task.."
Submitted 29-December-2005 by:  Jr Acfalle, National City, California

  " You know you're Chamori cause you're always the First to start the "Electric Slide"."
Submitted 29-December-2005 by:  Jr Acfalle, National City, California

  " Want to experience life in Guahan?
Play in red dirt, Pull out lots of Sticker Birds,
Get stuck in Crab Holes, Get poked by Sleeping Grass,
Eat local Pickles and Hide from your auntie while
you eat the Coffee Creamer."
Submitted 29-December-2005 by:  Jo Manzon, National City, California

  " How many Chuukese does it take to go to
the store for a pack of cigarettes?
Answer: A "TRUKload"."
Submitted 29-December-2005 by:  Jr Acfalle, National City, California

  "The 3 Local Dudes were at the Cathedral in Hagatna for
the annual December 8 procession. They decided to ask
Archbishop Apuron to hear their confession and to which
the Archbishop agreed. Lolo the Chamorro was first to enter
the confessional box. He said, “Bless me father for I have sinned.
My last confession was 3-months ago. Here are my sins.
First, I believe I committed a great mortal sin. I had a dream that
I was having sex with Madonna and she did this, and she did that,
and”. The Archbishop politely interjected, “My son, I don’t really
want to hear the details of your sin. Just say 100 Our Fathers
and the Act of Contrition and your sins will all be forgiven.”
Next came Toru the Chamoru. “Bless me Pale’ for I have sinned. My last
confession was 2-months and 13-days ago. Here are my sins.
I missed mass every Sunday. I committed the sin of adultery because
I had a sexual affair with Angelina Jolie. I secretly
yearned and obsessed for her and this, and that, and”.
Once more the Archbishop interrupted, “Whoa! Whoa! My son,
I really don’t care to hear about your secret passion
for Angelina Jolie. Say 100 Hail Marys and the Act of Contrition
and all your sins will be forgiven.” Finally it was Mori the
Chamori’s turn. “Bless me father for I have sinned. My last
confession was 1-month ago. Here are my sins. I committed
the greatest taboo of all. I dreamt that I was in a room
with Congresswoman Bordallo and we were naked.” The Archbishop
bellowed, “And?” Mori the Chamori continued, “Well, she was touching
me and I was touching her….and.” The Archbishop,
in a forceful tone echoed, “And then what?” Mori the Chamori
went on, “Well, we danced and we danced and we danced….and.” The Archbishop
getting more impatient now yelled out, “And then what
happened?” Mori the Chamori reeled back in awe but replied,
“Well, I honestly don’t know Archbishop. My dang wife threw a shoe at
me and woke me up.”"
Submitted 21-December-2005 by:  James Ogo, Bakersfield, California

  " The greatest advantage with being from Chuuk
Is you never have to pretend your STUPID."
Submitted 14-December-2005 by:  Karl Pang, Kolonia, Pohnpei, FSM

  "You know you're Hawaiian
If you are 1-part Chinese, 1-part Japanese,
1-part Portugese, 1-part German, 1-part Swedish, 1-part Mexican,
1-part Filipino, 1-part Korean and of course, 1-part Polynesian."
Submitted 14-December-2005 by:  Rena Morita, Okinawa, Japan

  "You know you're from Saipan
If you refer to money as Pupulu. "
Submitted 13-December-2005 by:  Mark Kyun, NYC, New York

  "You know you're Korean
If garlic is your favorite cologne."
Submitted 13-December-2005 by:  Mark Kyun, NYC, New York

  "You know you're Japanese
If you bow at everything that moves."
Submitted 12-December-2005 by:  Rena Morita, Okinawa, Japan

  " Norbert Perez has to be the greatest motivational speaker.
After his talk to our UH History Class, someone asked him
How do you prepare yourself for a speech?
He replied, "Well, before I came here, I stopped
at the bathroom, looked into the mirror and asked,
Who are you? At that I replied, YOU ARE NORBERT PEREZ
AND YOU ARE GOOOOOOOOOOD.
The entire room broke up in laughter and
Mr. Perez politely stated, "No Really, Try it.""
Submitted 10-December-2005 by:  Kimberly Santos, Kaneohe, Hawaii

  " Norbert Perez was a guest speaker at our UH History class and
where he declared that God was a WOMAN. He consistently
referred to the Almighty as a She. After about
20-minutes of this, he retorted, "Oh did I mention
that my own personal God is my WIFE? "
Submitted 10-December-2005 by:  Kimberly Santos, Kaneohe, Hawaii

  " A Chuukese, A Yapese and a Pohnpeian were in a car. Who was driving????
Answer: An HPD Officer.. "
Submitted 04-December-2005 by:  Kanoe Sams, Kailua, Hawaii

  "Question: How do you get a dozen big Samoans into a mini cooper?
Answer: You throw in an EBT Card. "
Submitted 04-December-2005 by:  Pula Maanao, Hilo, Hawaii

  "You know you're from Rota, if you sing every sentence. "
Submitted 02-December-2005 by:  Jaime De Leon, Pleasanton, California USA

  " Tano: I am sick and tired of reading books about the History of our people. No more!
Supat: Why? Ga'chong.
Tano: Because it really isn't OUR STORY. It's HIS STORY."
Submitted 02-December-2005 by:  Jaime De Leon, Pleasanton, California USA

  "You know you're Pinoy, if your dog walks behind you. "
Submitted 02-December-2005 by:  Jaime De Leon, Pleasanton, California USA



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